Day One....Are We There Yet??

Why am I fat?

I can't exactly blame it all on the baby. And I'm fairly certain I don't have some psychological dysfunction that compels me to eat an entire box of donuts in one sitting. (I do not admit or deny if that has actually happened, nor on how many occasions)

Frankly, the perks of being fat are just way funner! (And yes, "Funner" is a word, and rightfully so, because if you have to say "more fun," that's no fun at all, and thus, you've defeated the purpose of using the phrase in the first place, so put away your *"Oxford Comma" and just say FUNNER!) *thank you Vampire Weekend

Folks, here are the perks of being fat.

Perks of being Fat:

1. You're allowed to eat whatever you want
2. You don't have to exercise (else you'd be thin, duh)
3. Chocolate Melting Cake -- Carnival Cruise lines, you %@$tards!
4. You save money, thus, you can afford more food and perpetuate the blessed obesity circle of life--it's the american way! Folks, it is WAY cheaper to eat off McDonald's Dollar Menu, and not to mention, WAY faster than shopping for fresh produce and cooking it all up at home. Heck, they make it even easier for you to maintain your lethargic lifestyle by offering a drive-through, which brings me back to perk #2 -- you don't have to exercise, or even walk 10 feet into the fast-food restaurant to get your artery clogging, diabetic coma fix!
5. Ben and Jerry's, nuff said there
6. Fatty Foods are Easier to chew and quicker to digest
7. Uh, it tastes better! Need I say more??

My next point deserves a paragraph:

EVERYTHING IS CHEAPER!!!

--apparently the title also deserved all caps, large lettering and 3 exclamation points, I thought very seriously about adding a forth, but alas, I refrained from excess--which is what I'm trying to do in my diet now!

Hence, Last Week's, Pre-dieting Grocery Bill:

• Entire Box of Cup-o-noodles $5
• PB&J $3
• Wonder bread $2.50
• Donuts $6
• MacNcheese $.50
• Frozen Burritos $3
• A not-so-amusing over-sized shirt of a hot body in a bikini $4

The TOTAL $24 --give or take the cost of chips, soda, some chocolate and random twinkies (just kidding on that last one! No self-respecting human being eats those! Yep, I said it! And if you're saying to yourself right now, "But Crisco Mama, I LOVE twinkies!", email me all you want with your tears and deep fried chicken thighs in hand, but I'm not taking it back!

Now let's look at this week's Dieting bill:

• Nike running Shoes $99
• Nike ipod running adapter thingy $30
• Protein Powder $35
• Under Armor Running "essentials" $100
• Vitamins, Fish Oil etc. $25
• Fresh Produce and lean meats $125
• Gym membership $45/mo.

The TOTAL $459 --Oh yeah, and we need to factor in the cost of taking back that ridiculous bikini shirt! Mostly because I'm not a 50 year old moron!

Seriously, what have I gotten into here??