Vegeta-buttholes!

I used to LOVE veggies! But let's face it, anything with delicious butter soaking into it is going to be brilliant! (Mmmm, butter) Croissants, Potatos, Butterscotch, Butter Pecan, Hollandaise Sauce (yep, plain baby!), Shoot, if you were covered in butter I'd go all Jeffery Dahmer on you! (Maybe I took that a little too far...awkward)

So, needless to say, I've really been struggling with putting the green crap on my plate. For instance:

Today I sat in front of my steamed green beans, thinking to myself,

"You deceitful, loathsome, vile plague upon mankind; you parade yourself as a "delicious" vegetable, but when the hollandaise sauce is gone, and you're left alone, naked, you're hideous! I hate you green beans! If you were to come into a room, I'd walk up to you and punch you in your big Healthy Green face!"

Of course, I then gagged them down, one by one, muttering obscenities under my breath all the while. And no, the "I can't believe it's not Butter "spray doesn't help, and quite honestly, it scares me a little bit. If everything in it is Zero, what am I eating?

So basically I am a 5 year old, crying about having to eat my Vegeta-BUTTHOLES! I'm over it.

(BTW: As of last week, I'm down 10LBs; going to weigh-in tomorrow--the journey sucks, but I'm makin' it happen capt'n!)

Slow and Steady

Rest assured, "slow and steady" does NOT win the race; I realized this today as I rolled my lazy booty out of bed and forced myself to sit on that frickin' ice-pick of a bicycle seat. (and NO, despite the raw butt cheeks, I'm not going to buy one of those ridiculous jelly pad things; first of all, that's what all the ice cream and oreos made my gluteus MAXimus into anyway, and second of all, it merely emphasizes the fact that I'm in NO shape to be exercising!) This thought mostly occured to me while I was stopped on the side of the road, collapsed over what I used to call my knees, but what would more accurately be described as somewhere between the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and "Pizza the Hut" off of Spaceballs.

And Frankly, "Pizza the Hut" is really what has made me who I am today; well, if I'm paying tribute here, I'd like to thank Krispy Kreme, Arbys (dang those beautiful little cream cheese filled, fried jalepenos dipped in delicious berry sauce!), ALL the Dollar Menus, Dairy Queen, and while we're covering royalty, thanks Burger King. Oh, but let's not forget Kentucky Fried Chicken (really Colonel, did you have to turn us into pathetic creatures who no longer eat our food separated, on a plate, like dignified human beings? Instead, we now eat all of our food pilled together in a bowl, with a "spork" mind you. Please just give me a frickin' straw next time, as well as an adult diaper, because I don't feel like taking the time to use a restroom anymore either). **thanks Patton Oswold





So, to sum up, slow and steady does not win the race (correct me if I'm wrong Michael Phelps), slow and steady is in fact, long and miserable!

Accomplishments...

Baby's Accomplishments this week:
Finally rolls over! Says "Mama," "Dada," "Baba," etc. popped out his first two chompers (and has been a freakin' champ about it too!), sits VERY well on his own (he's no longer just balancing on his chubbers), he oh so adorably reaches for me, and this just in, he sings!!

My Accomplishments this week:
hmm...Well, I finished the Bachelor, become enraged (Seriously Jake?? I think less of you now), swore off all varieties of the Bachelor all together, although, I'll probably still watch next season anyway, but I still shake my fist in the air for dramatic effect!


Oh yeah, and I'm up to a weight loss of 7 LB's in 2 weeks...not too shabby.

Letter to the Folks at Cadbury

Dear Mini Cadbury Egg People,

How dare you show your face around here again. Do you realize how many sugar comas you've caused? Do you even CARE? For the love, it is only the beginning of March, and I've now had to walk past your obscenity of a display in the stores now for 2 weeks! Throw me a bone here; Easter isn't for another MONTH!

The economy might still be in a recession, but my waist line CLEARLY isn't, and you're NOT helping. I guess you figure it's ok to help your bottom line as long as your adding to mine?

Truthfully, it's a love hate relationship; I love to savor those beautiful, candy shell covered chocolates, but I hate to see that "lovin" returned to my thighs! So, you must go.

How do you live with yourselves?

Day Three...Down three Lbs and Surprisingly, not about to eat my fist!

Yep Folks, THREE LB's! Not gonna lie, I'm pretty freakin' stoked about that! And I'm not doin' the oh so popularized 500 calorie HCG, eating myself inside-out, then gain it all back thing, or the "Don't make me gag down another bite of chicken"Adkin's shiz, nor am I doing the whole, Weigh-in in front of other people bull crap so I can feel badly enough about myself to lose the weight. Just a good healthy, protein-filled diet and exercise.

I'm realistic; I know that my lard butt can't handle running 6 miles; shoot, I can barely make it to the mailbox and back without taking a breather!

So, here's how day one went;

I didn't exactly wake-up in the morning feeling like P-diddy, how DOES that feel? Frankly, that scares me a little bit; does that mean I have an STD from all the random one-nighter's? Hmm...let's not go there. I did however, throw back a 25g low-carb, whey protein shake with some shady looking strawberries; I mean seriously, what happened to those things? So, despite the worry of puking it up later, I tossed in some splenda, vanilla and some ice. Not too shabby, and then I scrambled a couple of eggs, which apparently is what your brain looks like on drugs, so kids, stay in school, and avoid the creepy drug-dealer in the corner.

While you're at it, avoid People that look like this,

This,

And definitely this!

I then jog/walked/gasped/cried my way through 2 miles, 20 lunges and 20 push ups (yup, girly style, I'll own that!).

"Crisco Mama, seriously, 2 miles, that's it?!"

Yeah, shove it! That's what I can do! And frankly, I'm not throwing things into hyper-speed to hurt myself or make me hate it; I'm LITERALLY starting from square one! So, if that's pathetic to you, why are you still reading!? I don't care that you kick A at P90x; so what if I can only make it through the warm-up....almost. Seriously, stop reading already!

So, then I ate a little snackipoo, some cottage cheese, which was vaguely depressing, as it reminded me of my thighs, stomach, knees, arms, and well, you get the picture; I just figure that's my punishment for having Lived Beyond My Seams (I never cease to amaze and amuse myself, I'm so clever throwing in the title like that!) Then, I ate a salad with chicken and a balsamic dressing...WOW, I am beginning to annoy my MYSELF, sounding like one of THOSE girls, so suffice to say, I am awesome, and I ate 5 meals, which I've continued, yesterday and today, and will happily send you my secrets if you email me, except, I won't divulge any secrets about that time in college when I "accidentally" used my roommate's toothbrush to clean the bathr...crap, scratch that! Hahahahaha (nervous laugh), I'm joking, I'm joking. I would never do that. (I'm really sorry Brittney)

Hmm...I better stop while I'm ahead....err something.

Day One....Are We There Yet??

Why am I fat?

I can't exactly blame it all on the baby. And I'm fairly certain I don't have some psychological dysfunction that compels me to eat an entire box of donuts in one sitting. (I do not admit or deny if that has actually happened, nor on how many occasions)

Frankly, the perks of being fat are just way funner! (And yes, "Funner" is a word, and rightfully so, because if you have to say "more fun," that's no fun at all, and thus, you've defeated the purpose of using the phrase in the first place, so put away your *"Oxford Comma" and just say FUNNER!) *thank you Vampire Weekend

Folks, here are the perks of being fat.

Perks of being Fat:

1. You're allowed to eat whatever you want
2. You don't have to exercise (else you'd be thin, duh)
3. Chocolate Melting Cake -- Carnival Cruise lines, you %@$tards!
4. You save money, thus, you can afford more food and perpetuate the blessed obesity circle of life--it's the american way! Folks, it is WAY cheaper to eat off McDonald's Dollar Menu, and not to mention, WAY faster than shopping for fresh produce and cooking it all up at home. Heck, they make it even easier for you to maintain your lethargic lifestyle by offering a drive-through, which brings me back to perk #2 -- you don't have to exercise, or even walk 10 feet into the fast-food restaurant to get your artery clogging, diabetic coma fix!
5. Ben and Jerry's, nuff said there
6. Fatty Foods are Easier to chew and quicker to digest
7. Uh, it tastes better! Need I say more??

My next point deserves a paragraph:

EVERYTHING IS CHEAPER!!!

--apparently the title also deserved all caps, large lettering and 3 exclamation points, I thought very seriously about adding a forth, but alas, I refrained from excess--which is what I'm trying to do in my diet now!

Hence, Last Week's, Pre-dieting Grocery Bill:

• Entire Box of Cup-o-noodles $5
• PB&J $3
• Wonder bread $2.50
• Donuts $6
• MacNcheese $.50
• Frozen Burritos $3
• A not-so-amusing over-sized shirt of a hot body in a bikini $4

The TOTAL $24 --give or take the cost of chips, soda, some chocolate and random twinkies (just kidding on that last one! No self-respecting human being eats those! Yep, I said it! And if you're saying to yourself right now, "But Crisco Mama, I LOVE twinkies!", email me all you want with your tears and deep fried chicken thighs in hand, but I'm not taking it back!

Now let's look at this week's Dieting bill:

• Nike running Shoes $99
• Nike ipod running adapter thingy $30
• Protein Powder $35
• Under Armor Running "essentials" $100
• Vitamins, Fish Oil etc. $25
• Fresh Produce and lean meats $125
• Gym membership $45/mo.

The TOTAL $459 --Oh yeah, and we need to factor in the cost of taking back that ridiculous bikini shirt! Mostly because I'm not a 50 year old moron!

Seriously, what have I gotten into here??

A Special Kind of Stupid...

Welcome to Fat Girl Diaries!

Remember when your skinny friend said, "I sometimes forget to eat"? Yeah, I've forgotten my car keys, my mother's birthday, even my phone number, but mysteriously, I've never managed to forget to eat; If you seriously forget to eat, you've got to be some kind of Special Stupid!

This is the first of (hopefully) many posts to come on my quest for thinness. I'm looking to motivate as well as entertain. Because, let's be honest, dieting blows! Anything I can do to make it slightly more enjoyable, I'm all for it! So, if you've found this blog, congrats, and if you wish to join me on my journey, send me a note, pics, quotes, your own Fat Diary entries and we can get fit together!